Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
