And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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