i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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