Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Found your dick twin last night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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