My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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