weddingsv make me drug and hornr
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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