thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
