Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Best friends brother. Beat that.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
