I am puke
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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