I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They have beer where we have blood.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
