Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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