I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
