Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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