Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
