Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
