She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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