I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
