Tell her she can't have a vagina
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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