Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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