why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
