mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
