Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
