I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
