Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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