Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize