Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
