my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
BRING THE BAGELS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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