What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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