it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
