it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
