Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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