maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
someone get that fucking seahorse.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
