this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
There are leaves in my underwear?
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