theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize