i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
