Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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