I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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