I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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