i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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