On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
