is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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