omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
