Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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