I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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