My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
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Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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