Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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