I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
