i jhust puked up my retainher.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
