honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
