Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
