I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
