My Higher Power is John Stamos
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
