I think my vagina is haunted
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
