Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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