did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I bet he comes in French.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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