I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
