where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
