I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
