just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
