if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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