dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Actions speak louder than pants.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
