im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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