I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
